I admit it: I’m at a loss right now. This time is supposed to be the perfect time to come to our senses, to take time for ourselves, to contemplate and turn inward. To return to the base. In short: to improve ourselves. But isn’t that exactly what we’ve been doing for years? Running around like crazy due to that urge to continuously improve ourselves? To put ourselves ‘in the market’ as optimally as possible? Sure, I now have more time because assignments are cancelled. And my work/private balance is a hell of a lot better than before this crisis. But have I really found more peace in myself? No. Perhaps that is too much to ask for; the period of change is still far too short.
I notice that I come across recurring themes in my life again: it is never (good) enough. I look on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and see all kinds of entrepreneurs finding creative refreshing new ways of working and doing business. And countless, often sponsored posts from coaches that encourage me to do the same. And it just really irritates me. Do we have to keep running even now, just in a different way? I struggle with guilt. Shouldn’t I take this time to finally start living a healthier life? Let go of the addictions? Like a little voice in me has been trying to get me to do for years and years? Lose those few pounds that have been bothering me the last couple of years? But even though health should be the most important thing, I can’t even attempt to stop bad habits. Of course, there are also excellent excuses. “Everything is so insecure right now and you are under more stress than usual, you are asking a lot of yourself to quit smoking now.” Well…
And therefore, I keep going back and forth between the Marjolein who tells me to be kind to myself and not demand so much from myself, and the Marjolein who thinks I’m a failure, just makes excuses and has no backbone. Nothing has actually changed in that regard. ;) Except that we are now living in a time of major changes and perhaps it is therefore also the perfect time to change ourselves. What is wisdom? I’ll be honest: I don’t know. Maybe I should just accept that I don’t know. And that even now I am unable to transform myself into the ideal image I have of myself.
This. Who the fuck is this? And I don’t mean Maya Angelou, but who can say she lives like this?
Can I apprentice to that person if she exists? ;)
Maybe it’s just time to get brutally honest and admit it: I don’t know a great many things. I just do my thing on a daily basis. I wear a bra less and less often, brush my teeth only halfway through the day and sometimes not at all, and often drink a beer in the evening on weekdays even though I think I should save that for the weekends. I work mornings and spend the afternoon gardening and reading and secretly hope to keep that rhythm up until the end of my working life, I like it that much. I can’t even imagine that I used to do regular 12-hour days before. One moment I worry about my income and the next I am confident that it will all be fine. And I’m not even the zodiac sign Libra, ha!
One moment I’m fine with it all, the next I’m not. That’s just how it is. This too will pass. I do have a lot of writing inspiration, though. Haha! Hang in there, dear people!
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